s/he said what?!
because nobody told you sex could be this awkward

hs. I don’t want to toot my own horn, but you’re going to want to have sex with me as soon as you eat this sandwich.

ss. haha, I’m looking up people’s photos and I kinda wanna collect people’s v cards. Like, to have. Is that weird?
hs. When you say it like that, yes. Think about what you just said.
ss. SHUT UP!!

ss. This bra isn’t supportive enough, I need more lift.
hs. It’s giving me lift…

ss. I thought you wanted to take a nap.
hs. That was until your loins caught mine on fire.

hs. Did you fart in here?
ss. Nooo.
hs. You know how sometimes I come into the room with chocolate smeared on my face and you ask me if I’ve had chocolate? This is like that, but with feces particles all over the room.

ss. I’m going to take a picture of your penis and send it to that blog.
hs. Can you photoshop it first?

hs. Are you fertile?

ss. Your feet are filthy.
hs. That’s not the only part of me thats filthy.
ss. …your mind? …your penis?
hs. What! I don’t have a penis. Who told you that?

ss. You need to be more patient with me when I wake up in the morning.
hs. You need to be more enthusiastic about dry humping when you wake up in the morning.

(on the phone)
ss. What are you wearing?
hs. A button down shirt and a sombrero.
ss. Sexy.
hs. Now, it’s just the sombrero.